The very random adventures of a psychology student, geeklet and all-round dork.


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Deep shadows and brilliant highlights

(This will be the last update I name for a HIM album. I dread to think what the next one would have to be about.)

This past week I've seen some of the best and worst of several, ehh, groups of people, and that's what I'm going to babble, rant and gush about today, mostly because the headache I've been accessorizing for the past two weeks or so is really unenjoyable right now. So, if anything here doesn't make as much sense as it should, please feel free to blame it squarely on that fact.

People's exes tend to be a wondrous breed. The people we once loved often seem to drift off into any or all of a few categories: "whacked-out psycho", "manipulative destroyer of things to come", "potent bringer of misery, hangups and anger", or in rare cases, "really cool friend". This week I've seen entirely too much of each; and that includes (but is not limited to) my own former boyfriend, who now almost has me convinced that we were a complete and utter mismatch and never happy together in almost every respect. I'm pretty sure that's a lie, but I'm not sure it matters. After witnessing the detrimental effect his comments can still have on my body image, a number of things seem... clearer today. I wish more women (including myself) were better at remembering the one golden rule of relationships that never quite were - there's a reason he's an ex - and subsequently better at calling people on their shit when it's so obvious you should be searching for a pitchfork.

I wrote earlier on that there would be a positive version to this as well, and there is. I will never cease to be amazed at the way some people can be confronted with that creature inside you that so resembles a Klingon targ and not only respect and acknowledge its existence but end up with the damn beast purring and snoozing in their lap within an hour. This in turn helps me live with and even appreciate what can feel like a mental zoo that would do Rick Berman proud - I'm a happy and extremely privileged woman. Yes, I'm going to drop the Trek metaphors now, and no, I'm not talking about an ex here. Methinks I would be quite insane to let him become such a thing.

Second on the list of rants du jour: Therapists. I admit that for a psychologist, I have a fair bit of skepticism for the field of psychotherapy in a wider sense. I considered myself both proven wrong and proven right in the space of a few hours today.

For several months, my company was half-heartedly looking for a different supervisor/team coach to moderate our monthly sessions. Yes, in my field of business I think we're supposed to be doing New Age stuff like that, which routinely leaves new team members coming in from more conservative companies flabbergasted and shocked. It was a brilliant thing with the previous coach, and after much deliberation, a new one was brought in, and if she struck me as a refurbished high school teacher rather than a psychologist initially, that's because that's what she is. Even leaving the youthful arrogance aside for a moment, I cannot fail to see that the coach seemingly spent half the first session sucking up to the person who brought her into the company as well as the CEO, waxing philosophical on what it means to manage a multinational company (though where she learned about that while predominantly working with children, I'll never know). I felt thoroughly underwhelmed; you can only achieve so much as an impartial observer when you show little sign of impartiality or initiative. I'm prepared to put it down to initial issues, but I will not be happy with this arrangement if I turn out to be wrong about that.

Just hours later I was sitting in a basement lab taking notes as a colleague was generating utter misery in a roleplayed exploration. A quiet, complicated type, he was having a hard time interviewing a dominant "client" and her two feisty "daughters" about their domestic problems. Feedback and suggestions supplied by the rest of the group proved unsuccessful again and again as the client proceeded to tell the "psychologist" in no uncertain terms exactly how he was to cure one daughter's supposed problems in therapy. The professor - head of the psychometrics department and the psych institute, and a controversial figure for most - moderated and offered ideas and encouragement on what he admitted was a tough case. When the hopelessness of the situation became obvious and had been discussed exhaustively, he ended up giving the first and probably last demonstration of his own skill and methods of this class; a perfectly calm, secure and powerful persona that left no doubt that the insane situation could be resolved productively and to everyone's benefit. All too many therapists of some sort that I have met seemed too touchy-feely and cutesy by comparison; this was neither. I am obviously aware of the experience and skill that took this man where he is, and critical enough of the persona students usually see. This time, for once I could see exactly what it is that draws people to this painful, tiring, headachey profession, and no description here is going to be close. I am deeply, deeply impressed.

posted by Godiva at 4:34 PM

 

Love M---- what?

I actually did something yesterday that is getting rare for me - I went and acquired a bunch of CDs that just came out, HIM's Love Metal and The Gathering's Souvenirs. Rare because most new albums have seemed like too much of a hassle to really get into recently, and the rest can neatly be summed up under three headers: "I already have it", "my sister has it", or "acquiring it requires hours of hunting around eBay and weird shady second hand stores". I was prepared to hit my gothy pop metal groove good and pick up some Evanescence as well, if the store had been kind enough to actually have it. WTF?

Rather unsurprisingly, HIM have managed to put forth yet another uninspired and uninspiring album. They sound like an aging pop group trying to emulate the appeal of their first two records without really figuring out what the girls were screaming about. Beyond Redemption is still sexy, though I'm rather hoping they'll release the code for the random goth lyrics generator that must have spawned the words on Love Metal. Hell, I admit it: The only reasons I still buy their albums are misguided optimism, and the hope that I'll get to see them live if the record sells well enough.

The Gathering, on the other hand, are a band I always wish I really liked. I listen to them thinking, "this is neat" - yet at the end of each song I simply couldn't say what it sounded like. I intend to listen to this goddamn album until it sticks. It's just got to be doable.

Anyway, enough whining about kiddy goth bands and their often mediocre offerings. I finally caved in and got myself a new portable CD player. I'm still taking bets on how long it will take me to destroy this one; my last few portable audio systems have averaged between 12 and 18 months, tops. I suppose I do, um, use them a bit more than your average consumer might.

To get away from my rare moment of electronics shopping - my sister buys that much in two weeks - for a moment, I've been working on getting back into the joy and fun that is SPSS. While it's nice to figure things out again and be reminded that I know more than I generally realize, I'm pretty sure a whole host of software developers are forever burning in UID hell for this abomination.

(Edit: The Gathering's album is, of course, called Souvenirs, not Survivor. Sheesh!)
posted by Godiva at 6:25 PM

 

Talking metaphorically

For days now I've been trying to put together an update that wouldn't be several thousand words' worth of topics that absolutely don't belong here. This past week was more complicated than most.

Monday's lesson: I do not want to know about your digestion

Going out with your friends can be a mixed blessing at the best of times. While I still dislike going to movies or restaurants by myself, I've come to appreciate the stress-free chillout factor of a solitary pint down the pub: While there will most likely still be people to talk to, you can always send them on their merry way when they get annoying.

Monday night my friend Alexandra was sleeping over, so the customary pub visit was on the cards. She has recently been developing a habit of flirting with just about anyone who can deliver a somewhat coherent pickup line, and this time she literally barely made it in the door. The guy of the day was the sort of would-be slick, full-of-himself salesman that neither of us tends to be particularly fond of, and accessorized with forced, noisy conversation and "please let me in your pants GOD PLEASE" body language. Oh, and a friend who redefined "tedious". This second guy was the experience incarnate that I always hoped people were making up - the drunk guy whose first topic of conversation contains an account of various digestive problems he has experienced in the past. I think I just stared at him in disbelief and completely stopped responding or looking at him, just taking adjusting steps back at regular intervals to keep him out of my face. After letting myself be bored to tears for a while by these splendid characters, I finally just retreated to the bar and proceeded to have an excellent time. My friend joined me an hour or two later; guy A had finally managed to stop talking long enough for her to tell him that she had a boyfriend, after which he predictably excused himself very quickly. I... I'm just going to change the topic now.

Tuesday's lesson: Appreciate normalcy

... in whatever shape or form it presents itself. Note: Sometimes there is a thin, thin line between a cool, well-adjusted friend and a psycho ex. And more often than not, you're left wondering what the hell just came over you.

Wednesday's lesson: The end is extremely f***ing nigh

To beat yet another dead horse, they say sex, even when bad, is still good. Apocalyptic movies on the other hand - even when good - are still bad for you. 28 Days Later is a lovely British low-budget movie with a good concept and great atmosphere that just went downhill from there. You can only fit so many plot holes in a single movie.

At the same time, my office is going insane. I spend most of my time on administrative work for a project I know next to nothing about, which is very probably not even going to happen anyway. On top of my regular work, of course. I never thought I'd come to appreciate the unassuming simplicity of a completely unscientific ranking spreadsheet.

Thursday's lesson: What normalcy?

Late-evening walks take a turn for the surreal when they occur under the light of huge, full, yellow moons. Even more so when they cross the paths of more prostitutes than you were aware still operated in your quarter.

Many people seem to have things they're better off not spending too much thought on because they just end up picking at wounds that haven't healed over, some in a more literal sense than others. These things make excellent topics to ignore completely during the aforementioned late-evening walks or in times of stress. No, really.

Saturday's lesson: Ama et fac quod vis

After I just deleted the Friday entry on the infinitely depressing topic of people losing their babies, I do want to note some positive things for this week as well so as not to make it look worse than it actually was.

The recent acquisition has been by far the easiest to heal, least painful piercing I've ever had, and definitely the most interesting. ^_^ And on an only semi-related note, I'm still ridiculously in love with a wonderful man. My life gets crazier than I really want to have to handle at times, but I wouldn't exchange it for anything, ever.

The weekend's lesson: Get some sleep, crazy woman.

Yes, that's it. The rest of the rant will happen another time or not at all, preferably. ;) Good night.


posted by Godiva at 7:07 PM

 

A girl thing

The day after getting a new piercing tends to suck for me. It starts with crawling out of bed to apply aftercare to an often swollen, slightly bloody and quite painful part of my anatomy that was none of these things the night before; and a day can only get better after that. Funnily enough, walking still presented absolutely no problem today, but sitting up straight requires some work and a good amount of gritting my teeth. Yeah, so all this is probably TMI here. I am, however, quite in love with the new addition, and the hassle has been comparatively minimal thus far.

Today was the first reasonably warm spring day of the year (Note the date please, I hate this climate) so I went downtown, picked up coffee/Nutella/strawberry-yogurt icecream at Molin-Pradel, then wandered around the old town dodging Easter tourists. Later, I spent the evening finally sorting the data from my experiment and getting everything into a uniform shape. I know now why I put this off for a few weeks; I heartily disagree with some facets of the database implementation, whose main aim seems to be the creation of additional work for the experimenter. I do seem to be getting there now though.

Tomorrow my best friend is coming down to the city for two days to hang out, work on our theses and generally being reminded of the things that make this place so cool. I'm excited about seeing her.

posted by Godiva at 4:15 PM

 

X marks the spot

I tried really hard to avoid the bad puns here, but it was just too tempting. Sorry. >;)

A piercing I've been wanting really badly for a long while was acquired today, and a good time was had by all. I saw Gerald for a chat, a laugh and a vertical hood to cross my preexisting horizontal one. Simply put, I'm ecstatic about the whole thing - it hurt for all of two seconds, it's less sore than my leg muscles (from an overenthusiastic workout last night) now and, well, it looks damn great if I say so myself. I'm happy I decided to have it done after all.

The past week has been extremely eventful. Plans for my post-university life are being made, theses are being worked on, and the job is hectic beyond belief. A number of extremely kickass good things are taking shape, and will be posted about in due time.

Incidentally, Magdalen Hsu Li's first album, Evolution, should soon be on its way to me. Please go buy her music, she's ten shades of brilliant. [End shameless plug]
posted by Godiva at 5:37 PM

 

Bad day 101

Today didn't turn out particularly well. My father turned 62, and the ensuing celebrations were stressful to say the least. Dad insists on taking us to what may be the worst restaurant I've ever encountered every chance he gets; hell, even the bread rolls are bad. Add to that my sister being seemingly pissy at me again for a variety of good reasons, such as the food I eat, and you're all set for a great time. To be fair, my nieces did somewhat brighten the day - Ariadne is quite possibly the cutest human being I've ever seen, with the most unbelievable big eyes and a huge grin. She makes me wish there was a way for kids to look under 2 years old right up until they're old enough for high school. ;)

Next stop was a ride home in a crowded train, spent listening to a bunch of teenage boys get drunk and brag to each other about their girlfriends' underwear and their drinking habits, because my discman batteries had crapped out on me earlier. And the day just took a turn for the better when I was walking home from the subway station and encountered two young women fighting in the street. And by fighting, I mean the kind where hair gets pulled, things get broken, and people get slammed face first against the side of a van. I was basically standing there in awe, wondering what the hell was going on, and whether this should be reason enough to call the police. The woman who finally did just that theorized they were prostitutes - they certainly were in no way scared of the police showing up in that way people are that fear for their clean record. Needless to say, it wasn't pretty, and I ended up feeling too queasy to go outside again later tonight. I've always been aware that the area I live in is not exactly the best neighborhood in the city, but I've always managed to feel mostly unaffected so far. My city is one of the safest in the world of its size, but I'm having a really hard time keeping that fact in mind right now.

And yeah, to top things off, I got home to hear that an online friend's brother is currently in a critical state after getting thrown out of a car on a highway in the US earlier this weekend. I'm at a loss for things to say, but I hope deeply that this boy will recover soon and to the fullest extent possible. My thoughts are with his family.
posted by Godiva at 4:25 PM

 

Competing with the man of steel

The past few days have been spent on school, work and futile attempts to tidy my living room while having to be really careful not to lean my head against a wall and quietly start a-snoozin'. Tomorrow... er, today I finally get to sleep in a bit, and boy do I ever need it. Plans for the rest of the week include more sleep, more work, hopefully some gym, and most importantly, tracking down some half-decent doctor to sort out my increasingly painful left ear. Oh yes, and this Sunday marks my dad's 62nd birthday, appropriate celebrations included. I do look forward to seeing the family, though not necessarily to the location (an excessively horrible small town restaurant).

It feels odd trying to get back into the swing of my normal life. Being around the boyfriend, his city, even his friends feels so natural that even speaking German again seemed downright weird. Yes, I know how that sounds, but it's true for me. So screw that :)

And I hope he spells "You bastard" right

I just checked my archive to verify that I've lasted almost three months, but I'm about to give in to temptation. Ye ole body mod bug has me firmly in its grips again. However, it's quite bad: I want a second tattoo. Thank goodness I haven't quite decided on a design - I've been throwing around some ideas, thankfully inhibited by my lack of artistic talent and my gung-ho attitude to 14 gauge needles not extending to completely permanent mods. It will also take a while longer because I need to do a lot more research and find the perfect studio this time round. Be prepared to hear me whine regularly about this topic in the near future ^_^

posted by Godiva at 4:55 PM